HANDLING BREAKUPS II

Last week we began a series on Handling Breakups. Today we conclude the part we began with the other 5 Don’ts after a breakup.

6. Don’t Stalk.

Please, after a breakup, it is wise to leave the person for a good while. Give them space. It is mutually beneficial as the hiatus helps both of you to heal. Unfortunately, some people are so immature that after their experience, they start stalking the one they broke up with. They want to know what they are up to at every moment. They want to know if and when they get into another relationship. Some even go as far as troubling the one their former partner is now dating. They want to monitor their every move and involvement. In all you do, please never give the person any reason to want to pray you away.

In all you do, please never give the person any reason to want to pray you away.

It’s called breakup because you are actually meant to take a walk, not lurk around like haunting shadow!

7. Don’t Live In Denial.

Because, after a breakup, there are too many emotional baggages to deal with, we tend to live in denial. “No, it’s just a joke!”, “He’s/She’s coming back.” Thoughts like that will only complicate matters. I’ve seen those who end up getting used because they think there’s still hope. Some sisters push themselves at the brother who clearly has moved on in his mind, and in the process get into regrettable sexual escapades only to find out their mind is made up; there’s no turning back. A sister even had series of abortions for a guy that has broken up with her, all because she wanted to do anything to “keep him”! And it was found that while in that relationship — that is before the breakup — they kept themselves sexually pure. If a person can be bold enough to tell you it’s over, please do yourself a favour and believe them; and let them go for good.

If a person can be bold enough to tell you it’s over, please do yourself a favour and believe them; and let them go for good.

Don’t set yourself up for further heartbreaks. Whoever will come back will do so not because of what you do. Love is a decision no one can force. So kindly accept the reality on ground and move forward with your life.

8. Don’t Coach… Yet.

Avoid the temptation to become a sudden relationship coach immediately after breakup. You are hurting; you are not yet set to coach people, or you will only feed them nothing but your hurt. Today’s world is a weird one: people full of hate are advising people who are looking for way, and they confuse their journey altogether. Confused people confuse people. Hurting people hurt people. Until you are fully healed, you are not yet qualified to coach others (this statement is only for this context, please). Don’t transmit your bitterness into others.

Confused people confuse people. Hurting people hurt people. Until you are fully healed, you are not yet qualified to coach others.

Yes I know you have a lot of lessons you’ve learned and are still learning; you have lots to say to those coming behind – lots of caution to hand out to them; you have so much on your mind you want to let out… But then you have to learn to hold it off till you are emotionally able to so do, else you will discover much of what you are feeding your coachee is your hurt and hate.

9. Avoid Addiction.

Avoid the tendency to plunge into addictive habits. This is how some people get on the down low after breakups. Because of the weight of breakup, some people have ended up in addictions in the name of seeking escape. I’ve read of ladies who become so hurtful they hate men and become lesbians. Some end up getting addicted to alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, uncontrolled gaming, gambling, masturbation, etc. The problem is that at the end of the day, you feel emptier than you were before taking to those acts.

At the end of the day, you feel emptier than you were.

If you are having any of these temptations, please open up to a minister, godly friend, counselor, etc. They have their role to play in helping you go through this stage without complications.

10. Steer Clear of Revenge.

This may sound unnecessary to many people, but the hurt does so much to some people. Some end up seeking spiritual means to hurt the one who hurt them back. This is altogether unnecessary. There is need to trust God to deal everyone the treat they deserve. Never take matters into your own hands. If the case needs to be reported to the police, seek guidance and do. If it needs for you to be open to a minister to speak to them, please do. But never become a sorcerer because of a hurt. The hurt will pass, but your mistakes and the attendant guilt of being the one who did them in may never leave you.

HANDLING BREAKUPS

INTRODUCTION

Breakups aren’t easy. But I believe we can make them easy to handle.
This is not some unrealistic thoughts of the imaginations of someone trying to chase clout. The truth is, I have experienced breakup before; and looking back, I can see things that helped me, and some truths I learned in the process of making some mistakes.

I believe these will help you. In this series, I will be sharing 10 do’s and 10 don’ts of a breakup. Of the DON’TS, I will be sharing five in this post, and I hope these will bless you.

10 DON’TS AFTER A BREAKUP

1. Don’t Slander.

Naturally, everyone who experiences a breakup wants to tell people how terrible their former partner was. People rarely own up to their own toxic characteristics that played important role in the buildup to the breakup. Eventually, we end up slandering the other. This is immaturity. Avoid the temptation to slander the person. In fact, decide never to talk ill of the person (except of course in cases of abuse, manipulation or any other form of criminality or spiritual complications, which we will briefly talk about later).

2. Don’t Fake Happiness.

This is something that is very common. Each person wants to prove to the other how better off they are without them, how they don’t need the other to be happy. So today we see people upload contents on the internet with fake smiles. They just want to appear happy and in control whereas in reality they are losing it. If you feel like sobbing after a breakup, please take your time and sob.

If you feel like sobbing after a breakup, please take your time and sob.

The reality is, you loved them; or at least they meant something to you. If not you wouldn’t have dated them in the first place. So, be real about how you feel. If you bottle it up, it becomes bitterness; bile that is impossible to control.

3. Don’t Jump into another.

Because most of us see ourselves as the victim and the other as the villain, we often hope for a greener pasture, and the earlier they come, the better off we think we are. No! This is self-deception. After a breakup, you’ve got to give yourself time to heal.

After a breakup, you’ve got to give yourself time to heal.

Wait! Let God heal you; let time heal you; let common sense heal you. With time, you will realize some of the errors you made in that relationship and you’ll learn and correct yourself. But if you jump immediately into another, you will never see your errors, and you will repeat them and have your heart broken again. Also, you will not be able to see what to watch out for in an intending partner. So, wait! Let time heal you! Many of us miss the meaning of moving on after a breakup. To move on does not necessarily mean to find a better person; rather it means to become a better person: to take time to heal and get better.

To move on does not necessarily mean to find a better person; rather it means to become a better person.

That is the only time when your next “catch” is safe; otherwise you’ll only dump all the hate and bitterness on them.

4. Don’t Hate.

This is very common too, you will agree. In fact, this has led to many movements that don’t help matters, such as the men-are-scum movement. Some people hate the one who broke up with them, but worse, some others outrightly hate their entire gender. We forget that the person you broke up with today can be of benefit tomorrow; and that it is immature to stereotype a whole gender as criminal based on the offense of just one.

It is immature to stereotype a whole gender as criminal based on the offense of just one.

Avoid the tendency to hate such a person or their gender. Try your best to stay positive about them. Personally, let me tell you, since my breakup many years ago, the lady and I have been good friends; we have helped each other. That is life. We need to mature: put our sentiments aside to see the great sides of the person. You may find out they’re not even as bad as you actually think they are. So, stop hating; start loving. Let me add also that with maturity and the help of the Spirit, you can avoid a harmful person without hating them (watch out for the part on the Do’s after a breakup).

5. Don’t Isolate.

This is important. Please, avoid the tendency to want to cut off yourself from friends – good friends most importantly. You need quality friendship when you are experiencing a breakup. Let’s face it: some breakups are so hurtful that they can lead to depression, and possibly, suicidal thoughts. This is when you have invested so much time, energy, resources and other things into the relationship. Some breakups, so many people have known about your relationships and are even expecting your wedding IV and the thought of the disgrace of them knowing you didn’t work out may be overwhelming. For this reason, it is dangerous to keep solely to yourself during a breakup. Open up to good (helpful and godly) friends and elders who can encourage you and lift your spirit. It is foolishness to experience breakup with your partner and now cap it up by breaking up with your life.

So, so far we have seen the dangers in slander, pretense, rushing into another relationship, hatred and isolation after a breakup. What do you feel about the above? Any personal experience you want to share to help buttress some? Any reservations? Kindly let me know. God bless you.

On this channel I will be posting another five next week. Please watch out and stay blessed.

Your friend,

David Iyanuoluwa IBITOYE.

On Prayer IV

URGENCY
“The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.”

1 Peter 4:7 NIV

Note the “therefore”. Our discussion on prayerfulness: alertness, self-control and soberness, is a result of an earlier statement: the end of all things is near. “Everything in the world is about to be wrapped up” (MSG). So, to Peter, one of the ways to stay ready for end time realities (eschatology in case you need the technical term) is to pray. Prayer is as real to you as the end time is. Remember that Peter is a disciple of Jesus, and he knows that Jesus recommends prayerfulness as a means of escaping the evils of the End of the age. Consider Luke 21:36, Mark 13:33. So this is really not Peter’s teaching; he’s only reiterating what the Master Himself has said. I dare say that a man who is not given to prayer will scarce escape the evils of the End time.

When you realise the urgency of the End time, you will pray. Your slothfulness in prayer is a sign you are not ready for rapture.

PRAYERS
*Pray that God will interpret the end time to you personally.
*Pray that God will help you see the urgency.
*Since prayerfulness is a means of escaping the evils of the End time, pray that God will heal your epileptic prayer life.
*I release God’s grace upon you for an incurable prayerfulness in Jesus name.

On Prayer III

We have so far looked at how alertness and self-control are very vital to the art of prayer. This we see from the context of 1Peter 4:7.

“The end of all things is near. Therefore be alert and of sober mind so that you may pray.”

1 Peter 4:7 NIV

Today, we shall examine how Soberness, another factor in the text can facilitate prayerfulness. It is short and straight to the point. Be blessed.

SOBERNESS

Ah! To what shall we liken this generation? There’s so much rush and noise and shout! We are all running at top speed chasing nothing. God will need to calm us down.
I believe that when God will help this generation, He will slow us down. There is a mad rush at nothing, and noisy yet empty living.
We need to achieve Soberness to live prayerfully. But unfortunately today, we have so many things calling for our attention. You’ll see a young man wake up in the morning and the type of noisy and dirty music he will play will show you that he is not a man given to meditation and reflection.
Soberness is a state of calmness of the mind. It is what facilitates reflection. Profundity is eroding from this generation because people won’t reflect. Hear some people talk and you’ll wonder at the level of shallowness. You can’t be alert if you’re not sober, and you can’t be self-controlled if you are not sober. Sobriety is the string upon which alertness and self-control are hung.
Until we avoid talkativeness, positive reflection, quiet in the spirit, we will never pray. A man of prayer is a man of few words and deep reflection.
Check your environment: are they facilitating Soberness? Your music, your friends, the books you read, the pages you like on Facebook, your mail subscriptions, etc.

PRAYERS
*I repent of a noisy lifestyle. I receive the gift of sobriety in my spirit.
*I break away from negative impacts on calmness of my spirit in Jesus name. (Don’t just pray this one, act it: delete those songs, unlike those pages, RUN!)

Question 1: On Posture.

Here’s the question that came in from Iyanuoluwa via WhatsApp. It’s an important one and I’m sure it would benefit you:

I guess you will still talk more on the issue of kneeling down while praying in the subsequent write ups. Bcz, I don’t kneel when I pray, we in our church don’t kneel also. But in Anglican church that my Grandparents go, they kneel to pray.

Basically, the point in this wonderful question is that of posture. What is the right posture for praying?

The Bible is replete with many prayer postures. Now I have not seen where any of these is mandated. They are supposed to be as inspired, not sacrosanct rules. However the following guidelines of wisdom may be helpful.

1. When you’re in church and the prayer leader demands a posture: e.g. that everyone kneels down or prostrates. I believe it is obedience to obey. It would be an act of obedience not to be arrogant to such instruction, provided you have capacity to do it (health wise) and it’s not unscriptural. You must know that that person represents God for that moment they are leading the prayer session. You would want to obey them as you would obey God. Now, concerning issues of conviction; of not being convinced to do it or having struggles in your spirit, I’d rather not tell you what to do then, do what you would be glad to stand up for any time you are being challenged. But ultimately be sure it is the Holy Spirit who is hindering you from taking that required posture and not some pride garbed in the religious language “conviction”.
2. When you attend a new church where they have traditional postures they pray in. You must understand first that it was your decision to attend the church, you were never held at gunpoint and asked to attend. So, since you willingly attended the church, you would be wise to participate heartily in every aspect of the service so long as they are not antiscriptural. As a student pastor I once attended a church with some colleagues to carry out a comparative experiment. We were surprised to find out our visit coincided with their communion service. The first question on our mind was “Should we participate?” I was the one who advised that we were there already and should not act as contrarians. Besides we didn’t want to give the impression that we are assuming our own Baptist communion was superior to theirs. But then something else happened: we discovered everybody was drinking from the same cup. The priest just had to wipe off someone else’s lips with the same handkerchief and we were worried about the hygiene. But I took it. We advised one another that anyone who is struggling with the hygiene or worried about their own personal immunity should kindly step out of the auditorium before the ushers got to them. Later we all took it and it was a great worship experience. The point is, it could be seen as arrogance by the church members for you not to participate in the traditional prayer posture and you are in the worship service. That is why you need information before attending any church. If you’re being invited and you know you cannot do some things, tell the one who invited you: that way they’ll be ready to defend you even when you’ve left and people are casting aspersions at your conduct during the service. But know that it is simply humility and a sense of ecumenical soundness on your part to obey the traditional posture so far it is not antiscriptural.
3. When you live with someone who has a personal preference for a posture and they want to religiously mandate it for you too. This is where dialogue is needed between you and they. In the presence of God, there is liberty. If their own liberty tethers them to a particular posture, that does not have to be true for other people. If you feel like kneeling down every time in prayer maybe because your God is so big and you see it as pride not to kneel down in prayer (this comes more from Yoruba parents. Don’t ask me how I know), others may not feel that way: in fact they may feel like standing or doing something weird as an act of reverence for God. That is why in any worship we don’t act based on feelings but by leading. Discuss it in Christian love and arrive at a consensus that offers freedom of worship to everyone during prayers.
4. In your personal prayer, how do you know the posture that is right? I’d simply say, as you pray, be sensitive. Assume a posture that will give you maximum privilege to pray as hard as you are led to. Assume the posture that keeps you alert and sensitive. If you hold your morning prayers on the bed, which is not advisable, and you discover you are dozing off, it is wise you change it: sit, stand, walk around, kneel (if that won’t make you sleep again), etc. Understand that a lot of the time, too much convenience is an enemy of prayer. Avoid postures that give you excessive convenience that might make you sleep off or make your mind wander off, except if you know you are disciplined enough to master it.
5. Understand that to God the alignment of the heart is more important than physical gestures. Let me quote an important scripture to this effect. “Ye hypocrites, well did Esaias prophesy of you, saying, This people draweth nigh unto me with their mouth, and honoureth me with their lips; but their heart is far from me. But in vain they do worship me, teaching for doctrines the commandments of men.” Matthew 15:7‭-‬9 KJV. The point here is that the heart of a man gives meaning to whatever he does. And this is equally very true of things done in worship. Whatever you do, make sure your heart is doing it. Ensure it is coming from your heart. You can lay prostrate from now till kingdom come, if it’s not coming from your heart it is a total waste. I’d add that the best prayer posture is not a physical posture, but the posture of the heart: that of humility, worship, dependence on God, submission to His will, listening to God, etc. These will bring you to the most suitable physical posture for that prayer session.

So, is there a singular recommended posture for praying? No, the Bible didn’t say that. You just be led, obedient and worshipful.

Feel free to share your views on this matter.
Shalom